BS Talks

Are you a cool kid?

 Well?  Are you?  A cool kid?  I am.  Know how I know I am? 

Cause I am a member of and I voted in the 2010 Bootlegger Awards!

‘Uh, BS, how are you a member of a group for 20 something bloggers, you’re thir—‘ SHUT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE RIGHT THERE DEAR READER.  If you take a moment to remember correctly, I am only 23 and besides I’ve been a member of 20sb for like 3 years.  Age is not the point here.  Well, my age at least. 

 

If you are already a member of 20sb.net then you need to get your butt in gear and go vote.  There’s a bunch of categories and a bunch of really worthy blogs and today is the last day, why’d ya wait so long?

 

If you aren’t a member of 20sb.net, have no fear you can still be a cool kid.  If you are actually 20 something (that’s the only requirement), you should pop on over to 20sb.net and join and then you should friend add me because I like friends and then you should send me gifts because I like gifts (I’m mostly talking about gifts on 20sb.net but I will not send back any gifts given to me outside of 20sb.net.  I am gracious like that). 
 

If you aren’t in your twenties you’re kinda screwed for this easy test of coolness.  If you really want to be cool, you can make a post on your blog that says BS SAYS I’M COOL and post a link to it the comments here and I will go check it out and confirm your coolness.  I’m awesome AND giving like that. 

 

Go now, make with the coolness.    

The long and the short of it

I don’t get the male fascination with girls and long hair.  I don’t get the fascination of guys with long hair for that matter, but that’s a topic for a different day.  I have shortish hair, it isn’t a buzz cut or the reverse mullet I used to rock or manly in any fashion but it is above my shoulders and I can’t put it in a ponytail.  And, apparently, to some guys, I may as well be bald because if it aint long it aint hair.

My hair was longish, middle of my back give or take a shoulder slump, when I decided to get a super cute bob ala Katie Holmes.  I really liked the cut plus I was applying for a job as the manager of a department and I wanted to look all professional and boss of people like and I didn’t really think my long, pigtail braids were gonna fit the bill.  Besides, I never wore my hair down.  Between health code regulations in restaurants and the hot as hell temperature in Florida (and the car with no ac in the hot as hell temperatures in Florida) my hair was always pulled up into some sort of ponytail.  What’s the point in all that hair, all that V05 shampoo, all that Nice ‘N Easy if I have to spend 2.41 hours per day sculpting it into the perfect my-hair?-oh-my-gosh!-I-just-pulled-it-up-into-a-ponytail-hot, ass mess? 

 

So, I cut it all off.  Sadly, I couldn’t donate it to Locks of Love because I’m an ass and I have had highlights but I learned my lesson and henceforth, I will not have highlights with bleach in the event I grow long enough hair to chop off and donate.  Yeah, I’m altruistic like that, I don’t mind saving $74 to help out the kids.  So, the hair is short, I don’t look as young as I did with long hair but that goes with the boss of someone territory, but I like it, I have liked it for almost 2 years.  Then some guy that didn’t even know me when my hair was longer saw a picture on Facebook or Myspace or Twitter or your third uncle’, neighbor’s, plumber’s, ex-wife’s, new girlfriend’s porn site and he commented that he like the long hair version of me.  Better.  Is that supposed to be a compliment? 

Yeah, so, hey?  You used to be pretty and now you’re just…bald.

I'm 50/50

I guess it’s good that not being a lazy ass wasn’t one of my resolutions because I would have failed miserably by Sunday. 

Seriously. 

On Sunday, I woke up somewhere around 10am, managed to haul myself out of bed in the neighborhood of noon, found my way to the couch with my blanket and pillow in tow and stayed there until I went back to bed somewhere around 2. 

AM. 

I didn’t even bother with opening my computer.  I either watched tv or my eye lids the entire day.  I imagine I ate at some point but they day went by in such a hectic blur that I can’t even remember.

I redeemed myself a bit by being far more productive on Monday.  I showered, dressed and left the house all because my roommate plied me with the tastiness of Sonny’s!  I grocery shopped, made a barrel of chili, and knocked my dvr recordings down from 95% full to 83%.  

I know there are some dissenters, people who may not find watching an entire season of Numbers in one day as particularly productive.  To those people, I say you do not know the kind of dedication and willpower it takes to devote that much time to dvring.  Not to mention skill.  Oh yeah, there is much skill involved in prolonged tv watching.  You have to stay on high alert to ensure that you change your position BEFORE the tingly feeling sets into one of your ass cheeks.  If you aren’t vigilant in switching between laying and sitting and your butt falls asleep, you run the risk of slipping to the floor and possibly pulling something. 

And how would you explain that injury to your coworkers and maintain your dignity? 

You can’t.

So, you spend your Mondays going to work, going to school, shoveling your sidewalk, getting a perm, serving someone in the mall with your sweet dance moves, etc. and I will be at home not working or schooling or shoveling or perming or serving someone (ok, this one I am a little disappointed about – if you need an extra for your dance crew, call me up and I am so there – I love serving chumps in the mall – I got a boom box we can totally use) and I'll spend mine staying in dvr shape.

In actual resolution news, so far, I’m about 50/50. 

I have not met the any men of my 2010 dreams, I have not managed to run 3 feet never mind 3 miles and the only work I’ve done on my room was a few loads of laundry. 

I have written a shit ton for work but I haven’t written anything for pleasure and that was really the intent of the resolution so I don’t think I deserve credit for that.   

However, I have been very good at taking everything out of my car and I have been high maintenance and girly every day for work.  Actually, people at work have noticed my efforts and have been giving me such nice compliments, it’s a great boost to the ego!  Everyone should wear earrings and perfume. 

I haven’t worked on any design stuff but I did set up a Blogger account because they let you do custom html and they don’t even charge you (Typepad is such douche bags)!  You can find me at bstalksdotcom.blogspot.com!  I plan to put all new posts on both blogs while I play with designs and what not so feel free to visit me at either or both!  I also now have a gmail account, bstalks.com[at]gmail[dot]com, email me or chat me up at Google Talk [bstalks] or both. 

I like both.  

BS Lightastic Awards, finally

It took longer than anticipated to post the winners of the fist ever BS Lightastic Awards, but better late than never right?  Right?  Yes, damn it, I am right. 

This sweet ass gif is what the certificates I made for the winners look like.  Sadly, once printed, the lights do not flash.  Stupid low tech paper.  Perhaps next year I will beat up a teacher and steal buy those battery operated Christmas light necklaces and hot glue it to the paper.  Or maybe technology will stop being an ass and it will catch up to my creative genius and there will be paper that lights up where I tell it to.

Before you are too overcome with admiration for my mad graphics skills, I must confess I downloaded a font that already had the Christmas lights.  But I am still a bad ass because I colored each and every open space and did the work to make the lights blink.  So, admire away.

By now, you are screaming ‘Stop stalling and make with the winners already’.  It’s true, I have been trying to distract you with blinky lights but you are no tiny, yappy dog or Sorority Girl with ADD (is that like saying ATM Machine?) and you saw right through my tricks.  The truth is, I never did manage to get good pictures of my favorite houses and I am embarrassed to show you the ones I did take.  I guess I will meet in the middle and post the best picture.  So, without further ado, here is the very first winner in the very first, BS Lightastic Awards! 

I promise, in person, this house is worth of the $15 first prize!

To deter the neighbors from calling the cops on the crazy lady that keeps taking pictures of their house and subsequently putting things in their mailbox, I made this little award poem to accompany the certificate!

I think the BS Lightastic Awards took more time and energy than decorating my own yard.

And an Optima to put it all in.

If you came here today looking for the  BS Lightastic Awards, I am afraid I have to disappoint you.  As evidenced in this photo, I am a bit of a ruhtard when it comes to taking pictures of houses with Christmas lights so I will have to put off announcing the winners of the first ever BS Lightastic Awards.  I know, I know, I am an asshole.  I am going to try to get my friend L³ (seriously, she named herself that), who actually has photo skills, to come and shoot my top 4 houses so I can share them with all of you.  I am sure you are starting to chew your finger tips off with anticipation because I can feel your excitement to have the winners revealed all the way through the interwebs (I kinda like it).  Settle down kids, I promise to post  pictures tomorrow, even if I have to find pictures on other websites and pretend those are the winners.  How the hell would you know anyway?

Since I have no BS Lightastic Award winners to give you hours of Christmas-spirit-happiness, I will regale you with a tale of how I spent the better part of this evening.  It’s not Christmas lights but it does end with a fucking awesome Christmas song so it’s not a total heathen take over.

After work, I met up with a few friends for what I am now calling Tormented Tina Tuesdays.  My friend KJ (she has a thing for wine sold in odd vessels like Capri Sun style* so the name fits) is rather neurotic and to keep the rest of us from developing a similar neuroses from listening to her daily, I decided she should collect all that ails her over the week in a basket and then entertain the rest of us unburden herself on us on Tuesdays.  Today didn’t go exactly as planned, it was mostly me imitating what I think future TTTs will be like as KJ pulls a slip of paper from the basket and acts out the situation.  It’s sorta like charades meets train wreck; it’s painful to look at, yet you can’t help but stare and maybe laugh a little bit too. 

Yeah, we’re assholes. 

After the TTT show, we went to grab a ‘quick’ dinner at Backyard Burger.  We ended up being there for nearly 2 hours and only left when we did because the closing crew asked us to lift our feet so they could sweep and mop under our table.  Do we know how to have a good time or what? We couldn’t decide if we wanted to continue the TTT party or call it a night so we spent the next hour sitting in my car in the parking lot of Wig’s apartment complex.  I dubbed Wig that name because she has the most amazing curly red hair and I have said on more than one occasion if she should ever decide to go all Britney Spears and shave her head, I call dibs on her hair because I want to make a wig that I would totally wear every day. 

And no, I don’t think that’s creepy.  Thanks for checking though.

So in the car, we gossiped and chatted and car seat danced.  I am quite a car seat dancer if I do say so myself.  KJ seems to think that my cubicle mate Bell is better than me but I call bullshit on that and I think a chair dance off needs to happen ASAP.

While we were in the car, we heard the most UHMAZING Christmas song ever but none of us knew what it was so I whipped out my iPhone and Shazamed that mother.  According to my phone the song is Quad City DJs What You Want for Christmas.  I looked for it on YouTube and to my dismay it’s not there.  I did find a similar version from The 69 Boyz for you listening pleasure though.  No need to thank me, consider it my early Christmas gift to you.  See, I’m not really an asshole.

        

*The Capri Sun style wine photo is not mine, I did a Google Image search, found it and linked to it.

BS Lightastic Awards and other stuff

I am not big on being naked in private, never mind public, so it always shocks a bit me when others are all about nakedness.  Especially when I learn this by seeing them in their birthday suit.  In public.  Granted, it was the locker room at the gym so a bit of nudity is to be expected.  However, I was not prepared to round the corner from the changing stalls (where I disrobe and rerobe in the privacy of a cramped closet) and get a front row seat to the show being put on at the automatic hand dryer.  A lady (I use that term very loosely. Trust me.) was using the hand dryer to dry her entire body and I had the misfortune to come upon her as she was drying her feet, one foot at a time.  I am sure you have seen an automatic hand dryer mounted in restrooms before.  Typically, they are about stomach level and this one is no different.  The bush-woman (again, trust me) was facing me, holding her right foot up to the blower while the left foot remained on the floor.  Are you getting the picture? 

I have to give her credit for her obvious lack of a towel and inventiveness but the points deducted for providing a locker room full of women a view of her birth canal puts her in the negative.

Thankfully, I was leaving the gym and not just arriving.

To rid my eyes of the image from the gym, I decided to treat myself to a drive around a few neighborhoods to check out Christmas lights.  Obliviously, some of these people heard we were not putting up lights so they went crazy with their decorations to make up for our slackassedness and it gave me an idea!    

Since we are Grinches and aren’t going to put up lights, I decided to create The BS Lightastic Awards.  My plan is to pick the three best decorated houses on my normal driving route and award them 1^st, 2^nd or 3^rd place and maybe an honorable mention.  I plan to give 1^st place a $15 gift card to Publix, 2^nd place a $10 gift card to Publix and 3^rd  Honorable Mention gets nothing but my appreciation.  If I get around to it, I will also make some sort of ribbon or certificate letting them know why a stranger is putting a gift card to Publix in their mail box.  I’ll post pictures tomorrow or Wednesday of the winners. 
place gets a $5 gift card to, you guessed it, Publix!

Perhaps, next year I'll be more on the ball with the BS Lightastic Awards and I will post pictures early and let you help choose the winners. 

That would mean I would need more regular readers than just my mom.  Who am I kidding?  Even my mom doesn’t read this.

Speaking of competitions and awards, I rarely watch primetime competition shows because I hate all of the extraneous bullshit, all the dramatics, the voting, the blah, blah, blah, gag.  However, I did happen to catch the last half of The Sing-Off last week and I didn’t completely hate it.  I did hate that in 30 minutes of tv time, I only saw 2 groups sing a 3 minute song each but I DVRed so I could fast forward all that nonsense.   I YouTubed (is that a verb yet?) a few of the other groups and NOTA is ridiculously good.  The LIVE FINALE is on tonight, I may watch some of it.  I bet NOTA wins.

On a related note, I love it when a boy wears a shirt with a tie and a sweater!  I’m looking at you Nick Lachey.

Elf You(rself).

I feel bad that I have been so busy playing on the internet and napping working, shopping, gift wrapping and going to holiday parties that I haven't been able write much lately.  To make up for it, Orin and made this video as a way of saying I'm sorry I've been living it up in the real world and not here with you in eFriend land.  I do plan to tell you all about my adventures to 7 potlucks, a white elephant gift exchange, Fishmas and a Redneck Christmas party but not today.  I've got sleeping wrapping to do.

You too can ElfYourself for all of your loved ones (that includes me in case you were wondering!). 

 

Screw the halls, deck the cubicle

As Christmas is in 4 days and I have been too lazy busy to put up a tree, decorate the house or hang lights outside, I have decided to forgo the whole damn process.  The house is a bit sad and depressing and we look like a bunch of Scrooges but if it saves me the trauma of going into the shed and the hassle of untangling lights, nagging the roommates to help, realizing they won’t help no matter how much, long or loud I bitch so I have to do it all myself and then repeating the whole process in reverse in mid-March when we I put everything away, then, frankly, I am all for it.

 

To keep from being a total holiday douche bag, I did decorate my cubicle at work.  My cubicle mate, Bell, started a bit of a decorating war back in September when she pimped out her side with every single Halloween decoration she owns (3 or 4 huge storage boxes full, give or take a shit-ton or two), leaving my bland grey workspace looking that much lamer.  I had no chance in hell of beating her decorations but I had to do something.  Bell immediately went from Halloween straight into Christmas (yes, it was

November 1^st) complete with a 6 foot Christmas tree decked out with every ornament she has ever been given in her ENTIRE life.  Did I mention, we have cubicles, like 6 feet by 6 feet cubicles?  I, on the other hand, segued with Fall/Thanksgiving motif for November and then I put up a winter theme in lieu of Christmas for December.  Again, I had no chance in hell of beating Bell’s decorations so I figured if I did something different it at the least wouldn’t pale in comparison.

 

The cubicle is fun and festive but I do miss coming home and seeing the pretty lights in the front yard and the house all decorated.  All of the yard lights are red and white and we have like 35 big candy cane lights to line the walkway from the driveway to the door.  And I have an amazing angel for the tree topper and her wings flap.  Maybe I will put out some of the decorations.

Urination Station

I live with 4-5 guys depending on who is staying here that day and I share a bathroom with 3 of them. Surprisingly, this is not a bad situation. Probably because I am a bit of a nazi, dictating the general state of our shared loo and out of fear of nasty retribution, they seem to follow along pretty well.

Except when it comes to the T.P. I can’t get these bastards on the same page as me! For instance, I like the tissue to roll from the bottom. I think the boys change it just to screw with me. Similarly, I like to have the damn rolled changed when it is empty! And it is empty pretty regularly. I sometimes wonder what the hell they are doing with all the toilet paper. Are they eating it like Coneheads? I don’t dare ask, lest I hear of acts I do NOT want to know exist let alone happen in MY bathroom.

At any rate, I had to pee today. And I am talking, pee like it is my job and I am well paid. Pee like I am single handedly trying to solve all drought problems (with proper reclamation, of course). Pee like Niagara Falls is a light drip. Is the scene set for you? I gotta pee.  I make my way to the bathroom, doing the pee-pee dance all the way. In my haste I didn’t bother to look for the damn roll of heinie helpers. Of course it was only the  card board tube, sitting there in all its empty but dry glory. I have to decide whether to drip dry or pull up my pants and make my way to the linen closet to restock. I hate boys.