BS Talks

Open up and say ahhh

Sorry, I didn’t post anything yesterday, I had a pretty shitty day.  Well, there was an hour in the middle I kinda liked and it may or may not have involved meeting a boy.  But the rest?  The rest I would like to punch in the junk while wearing brass knuckles taped up with scissors, pointy end toward junk. 

In truth, the whole week has kinda been shit.  And I still have 1 more day to go! 

Maybe, I should put on the big girl skirt and stop my whining.

So, the other day, I said I was mourning the possibility of a cavity.  I can’t decide if that is actually correct word usage.  I think it really should be something like mourning the possibility of the loss of my perfect mouth.  I don’t know.  Are both correct?  Are neither correct?  Someone help me out.

Either way you say it, I may have a freaking cavity.  Even though I went to the dentist on Wednesday, I don’t actually know for sure about the cavity because I went to the student dental clinic and apparently, my student has to turn in my x-rays for a grade before they are read and a course of action is decided.  Who knew?

Other than the cavity things, the whole student dental clinic experience was pretty good.  I met a very nice woman in her 70s (I’m just guessing based on her appearance, I didn’t ID her or anything), hence forth she will be known as LOL – little old lady, and she asked if she could follow me to the building because she had never been here before.  I wasn’t exactly sure where I was supposed to go either and since the dental clinic is part of a gynormous teaching hospital I figured it would be mutually beneficial to allow this nice LOL to follow me.  If we got lost and were out there wandering for days and days and then weeks and weeks, she would likely perish before me, being old and all, and I would have a food source to sustain me if it came to that.  Or, on the off chance we made it to our destinations, I would have some good karma for helping a LOL cross the street and what not.  Well, I guess it wasn’t completely mutually beneficial since it would be a win/win for me and a lose/win for the LOL depending on the outcome but why split grey- blue hairs?

Luckily, we did find our way to the right place and I helped the LOL get registered and signed in and then I did the same for myself.  Then I found a seat and waited to be seen.  FOR AN HOUR!!!

Truth be told, the hour wait wasn’t bad.  I enjoyed people watching for a bit and let me tell you, some special people come out of the wood work to go to the deeply discounted student dental clinic!  I fantasized about hitting the dumb broad that sat next, reading Going Rogue, with the book (it has to be good for something, right?) and knocking out all of her teeth, thus eliminating her need to be at the dental clinic sitting next to me.  In the end, I decided others might not interpret my actions as the philanthropic deed I was going for so I just played Sudoku on my iPhone instead.  I don’t know what it is with Sudoku, but I am terrible at it!  I can solve the easy and medium puzzles but not as quickly as I think I should and it is rare that I can get a hard puzzle without having to outright guess a number or two.  It really pisses me off.

After being bested by On a break from Sudoku, I saw a large gaggle of people in scrubs come into the lobby and since I am in full on Men in Twenty-Ten mode, I was scoping the merchandise.  It seems dental students are a pretty attractive bunch and I made a nice long list of guys I hoped would be my student dentist. 

Naturally, I got a girl.  I guess the LOL karma can’t be used for hot, male dentist selection. 

And to make matters worse, I saw this particular girl, Corlina, come into the lobby, walk up to a group of other girls and hug each one of them.  I fucking hate hugging people!  Don’t get me wrong, if I haven’t seen you in a while or I won’t see you in a while or if you’ve had a bad day or if you are my man-friend then I have no problems hugging you.  If I just saw you yesterday or in 3^rd period or an hour ago at work and now we are at the same club, I see no reason for any combination of squealing, jumping and hugging.  I thought we graduated junior high school.   

Besides the hugging thing, Corlina did a pretty good job taking my x-rays.  She only had to repeat 1 of them which I think speaks volumes about her abilities because those damn films are ridiculously too big.  I don’t understand how they are 1 size fits all.  I may be pretty loud and very talkative but I have a small mouth.  (Go ahead, make your jokes, I am sure I have heard them all before.)  The idea that someone with a mouth like Mick Jagger can use the same mouth pieces I use is just absurd.  The part under my tongue still hurts a bit but if Corlina gets a good grade, I ok with a bit of pain.  Yeah, I’m a martyr like that.

Maybe I can add my martyrdom to the LOL karma and cash them in for no cavities!   

Saturday: lying bastards and maiming jewelry

In true mediocre meteorological fashion, the weather has let me down.  It was supposed to snow last night.  In Florida.

The Sunshine State.

By snow, I of course mean, the tiniest, most delicate snowflakes will form, float down from the ether like miniature midget angels and immediately disappear into annoying wet vastness but not before bringing me happiness and perhaps, frostbitten nipples.

But, no.  It. Did. Not. Snow.

Not one friggin mini-midget angel! 

It did rain but, magically the temperature rose about 12 degrees so it was too warm to snow.  And today?  Today the f-ing temperature outside is a fantastic 38 degrees but is there any chance of rain?  Nope.

No snow did not stop me from sleeping 5 layers deep though. 

Layer 1: very sexy, 6 year old, blue and white cotton night gown with cows and burgundy yoga pants.  I truly was a vision.

Layer 2: ultra soft, ultra small, fleece, lap blanket.  Doesn’t quite cover my whole person but it is damn soft.

Layer 3: flannel sheet (sage in color in case you are curious).

Layer 4: dark brown duvet cover.

Layer 5: big, comfy, comforter.

THIS IS FLORIDA!  Do not judge me! 

The roomie even managed to get the heater in the house working too.  I’m pretty sure this is the first time in 5 years we’ve used the damn thing. 

This is Florida after all.  (Hey, I can judge myself all I want, you cannot).

I was pretty nice and toasty, all snuggled in my bed and I did not want to get up for work today!  But I did get up.  I trekked through the 64 degree house and made my way through the no-snow town to work where I was lucky enough to enjoy a cozy office temperature of 57 degrees.  IN THE FUCKING BUILDING!  57!  Degrees!  Fahrenheit!  Thankfully, I was only there for 8 hours and 23 minutes.

By the time I left work, the temperature had dropped a few degrees and to simultaneously combat the cold and kick the oil companies in the junk, the entire city decided to light fires.  Or, over the course of my 8+ hour work day, it became apparent that for the last 10 years, I have been living in hell and with these ricockulously low temperatures, hell has finally frozen over.  Either is entirely possible because everything was hazy looking and burny smelling.  I tried to take a picture but I am sure you already know how well that worked out.  Seriously, why am I so freaking camera challenged?

I did learn an interesting and rather important girl lesson as a result of the cold.  Today marked the end of my first week of being a high maintenance girl and to celebrate my complete dominance of this resolution, I went above a beyond with the accessories by wearing a scarf, a ring, a cuff bracelet and dangly earrings.  On the car ride home, I naturally had the heat cranked up to the highest blow level, the highest heat setting and the vents pointed directly at my hands and face.  I was car dancing to some ridiculously fabulous song (with all the trauma, I forgot which one) when my dangly earrings began to bump into the sides of my face.  Apparently, metal dangly earrings are excellent conductors of heat when the ultra-high heat-super-max heater is blowing directly onto them and in my dance mania, I did not immediately realize that with every bop and turn of my head, I was cooking strips of my face.  As soon as the pain registered, I instinctively tried to touch the burning flesh.  That movement caused my big, metal, cuff bracelet to slide, burning a path up my arm before it got stuck on my forearm and attempted to burn away the obstruction that was my arm to continue its path of fiery destruction.  Needless to say, the next time it is this friggin cold, I will be sure to wear stud earrings and no bracelet for my car dance parties.

Alright.  It’s Saturday night, party night and I am off to purty myself up for a hot night of prowling for Mr. BS.    

Who am I kidding?  I’m gonna put some salve on my burns, snuggle into my 5 layers and settle in for a Law & Order marathon on USA. 

Spinsterhood aint as bad as people say.